Planning Joshua's funeral was horrible. No one wants to think about planning their child's funeral service. All the decisions, all the expenses, all the talk about embalming and caskets. It's like planning a wedding except you only get a week or two, you are in a cloud of grief and shock, and at the end, … Continue reading The Fourth Pallbearer
Child Loss
The night my heart went to heaven.
I've debated sharing this part of Joshua's story. The darkest part. However, my desire is that maybe it can give someone hope that through the unthinkable, they can and will make it through. A few years ago I volunteered for Camp Erin. It's a bereavement camp for children. I had always had a heart for … Continue reading The night my heart went to heaven.
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My Miracle, Joshua Toby
I prayed for miracles for Josh. When we knew about only his arm and kidney, I prayed he would be born whole. When we found out about his eyes, I prayed he would have vision. When we found out about his trachea, I prayed that a solution could be found through surgery. I prayed that … Continue reading My Miracle, Joshua Toby
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10 Things I Learned Having a Baby in the NICU
The nurses and doctors caring for your baby at any particular time, can either make or break your day. We had amazing nurses and doctors. However, I could almost immediately tell which doctors were fighting for my baby as much as I was. The doctors who could tell me the facts while offering hope, not false … Continue reading 10 Things I Learned Having a Baby in the NICU
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Ronald McDonald House
We did a tour of Rocky Mountain Hospital for Kids when I was still pregnant with Joshua. All of the doctors had a heads up about Joshua and the little bits of information we knew about him. On both the NICU floor and the PICU floor, were two Ronald McDonald rooms. These rooms had snacks, … Continue reading Ronald McDonald House
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Letting Go.
Before Joshua was transferred to the PICU in order to save his life, I had never been too worried about whether or not Joshua would live. I knew we had a long road ahead of us with appointments and specialists and more surgeries, but I guess I never let the thought of him dying make … Continue reading Letting Go.
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The Impossible Question
I call it the impossible question to answer. Can you guess what it is? I'm sure many of you have been in my same position, but maybe your circumstances look a little different. Maybe you have a chronic illness or take care of your child with special needs. Maybe you struggle with depression or anxiety … Continue reading The Impossible Question
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24 days without you.
It's been twenty-four days without you. Twenty-four long days without holding you and without smelling your sweet scent. Twenty-four days I've missed nuzzling your soft hair with my nose and cuddling you until my arms and back ache. I miss playing with your tiny toes and trying to comfort you by bouncing you in my … Continue reading 24 days without you.
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Letter to my Joshua
My sweet Joshua, We were so excited to discover we were pregnant with you. I had always wanted three kids and you were my dream come true. A few months later, however, I started having a lot of anxiety. I couldn’t pinpoint what was causing this anxiety. One morning I listened to the song, “In … Continue reading Letter to my Joshua
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Baby Steps
One year ago today I wrote my first blog post about my brother's death. Just two months later, I was pregnant with sweet baby Joshua. I started thinking, maybe God's timing in this was that He wanted me to not just share my brother John's story but Joshua's story too, and that is what I … Continue reading Baby Steps
Ashley Glader 