My brother is in a hard place right now. He’s been fighting stage four colon cancer for four years. He’s never been in remission or had a “clear scan”. Just recently, he got news that the cancer has grown dramatically. Without an effective treatment, his liver will essentially start to lose function in a relatively short amount of time. I suppose the last four years he’s been living on borrowed time but now he appears to be nearing the end. Of course, none of us could know for sure. Once again, I never imagined this would be his story but none of us usually do.

I really can’t fully understand what it’s like to be in his shoes but I can imagine. I imagine for all you unsung heroes who feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, yet have to live life like you have forever to live. You smile at the strangers in the grocery store, wondering if the burden you carry is visible to anyone else. You have to make plans for the future, not knowing if you’ll be able to a part of it. You go over your will with a fine toothed comb and try to make sure every detail is taken care of, so they are taken care of. It feels impossible to surrender your family to God, to the future, to possibly someone else.

Nothing intensifies the normal, ordinary days of life, like knowing you don’t have many more. Why couldn’t we see everything this clearly before? You soak in every squeeze and laughter from your children like breath in your lungs. Somehow, it doesn’t matter as much that their rooms are a mess or they can’t find their library book. You want to take them out of school every day just to be with them every minute you can.

God gives us so many precious treasures, precious moments and memories every single day, and how often I take them for granted or rush through them to “get to the next thing”, to cross something off my list. How does one fight for his/her life here while already imagining what comes in the next life? How does one live in two worlds?

The truth is, none of us know when our time is, we just don’t think about it unless we have to or unless we are losing someone we love who seems to have an unfinished life. Once again, I’m brought to the conclusion that life is best lived as much in the present as possible. Like a young toddler who only sees the ladybug on that leaf and doesn’t understand the hurried people around them or why it’s important to rush off in the car to the next thing. All they see in that moment is a ladybug. They revel in fascination at God’s creation, letting the world fade to a blur in the background. Why is it so hard as we grow older to not want time to pass quickly or to keep our days busy? Why are we not as content to just be? Why must we always do? This is a reminder to myself to look at each day as a gift, not as a checklist. To not see each day as calendar mark or what can I keep the kids busy with today? How often I need this reminder that life is so so short.

I was glued to my TV, when it looked
Like he looked at me and said
“Best start putting first things first”

‘Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can’t flip it over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it’s worth- Don’t Blink by Kenny Chesney