It’s happened to me time and again. I go to the spiritual retreat and come home “on fire”. Things are going to be different, I tell myself. I won’t let my mind wander when I pray. I’ll strike up conversations with others about God. Then what always happens? Weeks turn into months and I slowly fade back into how my life was before the retreat. It doesn’t just have to be a retreat though, it happens anytime I have something that makes me contemplate life differently. Many times that for me has been when I go through the loss of a loved one.
In the midst of tragedy I would embrace the fact that little annoyances with other people would just cease to exist. In light of something big, all those petty problems just disappear or at least don’t seem as important. I’d tell myself, I’ll never take another day for granted again. I’m going to soak in all the little moments with my kids and not rush through things to get to the next thing. Then time and time again, I find myself, years later, taking things for granted, rushing through things and getting irritated with the little things.
It happens because I’m human. It’s easy to get caught up in life and forget the lessons I’ve learned along the way. However, there are certain things that have stuck and I think they are here for good. Maybe because multiple losses have a way of cementing these things down for good. Here are five ways I’ve truly changed the way I live my life in the light of my losses.
- I live with my own mortality at the front of my mind daily. I’m always amazed at people who don’t even seem bothered by the question of what happens after death. Don’t they know that one day we are here and the next day we aren’t? I live with the age old cliche of “life is short” every single day. It doesn’t mean I’m anticipating death or thinking about my own demise but I live almost with an urgency that the time I have isn’t guaranteed to be long or the people’s around me for that matter.
- My longing for heaven has grown with each subtraction in my life. As the people I have loved and buried increases and all of the sufferings of life that come with growing older in this world, I cling to heaven like never before. As a young person, I feared heaven would be boring. I feared I had to do everything I could here because this is my one and only life. More and more though, I realize that heaven will be so much better than anything this life has to offer. Frankly, I can’t wait.
- I still don’t cherish every moment but I do try to soak in all that this life has to offer. I look at all the little moments more. The jumping on the trampoline with my kids and the family movie nights. The dinners with extended family and trips we make so many memories on. It’s not that I never take things for granted anymore, I do. However, the beautiful everyday moments sparkle a little more.
- I hold onto life less tightly. I think people respond to tragedy and grief in two ways. After losing a loved one, especially at a young age, many people cling more tightly to the other people in their life that they love. They may become paranoid, fearful and overprotective. Then there’s the other people. The ones who realize that all of us have our time and we really don’t have as much control over our lives as we thought we did. We realize that God holds our loved ones in His hands and we release ourselves and our loved ones to Him. It’s not a perfect process, sometimes I grab back on. Overall though, I now live with more surrender and acceptance.
- I think less and less about my own legacy. When I was young, I thought about legacy a lot. Probably because of my brother’s death and the incredible legacy he left behind. Would I leave as much of an impact on the world as he did? The older I get though, the more I acknowledge that no one will know my name after just a few generations. Even the ones who remember me may not remember the things I’d like them to remember about me. All I can do, and I strive to do, is live each day obeying God and doing what I think He wants me to do. That’s all that matters and all I really have control over. We can’t control how others perceive us or will remember us. But I can control how I’m living my life now. Even if no one remembers my name, if I know I lived for Christ, I’m good with that.
